Loving Deceit
by inky.pinky.106
Summary: Charlie reflects on the past two years of his life without Adam. Who's fault was it?


**Disclaimer: **you know what I mean. I don't the people, places etc.

'_Loving Deceit'_

"Please Charlie, don't try to stop me. Don't make this any harder for me."

"I can't help it Adam, I'm only telling you how I feel. It was you; after all, who encouraged me to say what I meant. And now I am. I don't want you to go, why are you leaving me?"

"I'm not doing it because I want to. If I don't go now…"

"What?"

"I…can't explain. Maybe some day, but not at the moment."

"You don't trust me?"

"Charlie, I'd trust you with my life, you know that. But I've got to get out of here. All I can tell you is that it's for the best, you'll see. Maybe you'll find out for yourself, I don't know. But you're the best…friend I've ever had and I'll never forget you."

"Can I come see you sometimes?"

"No. You mustn't ever do that. When the time's right, if it ever is, I'll let you know. But for now, you must forget who I am, or that I ever existed. It'd be better for both of us."

"So this is goodbye?"

"Yes. I wish it wasn't, I wish things could've been different, but I'm not a child anymore. I've got things to face up to."

"Is it any use me asking what 'things'?"

"You know the answer to that already. Just do me one favour?"

"Anything."

"No matter what you hear in the next few months or years, don't trust anyone but yourself. Trust your own judgement and your own heart. I hope it helps you face the future, because I know how difficult this is going to be for me…for both of us."

"I love you Adam."

"And I love you too Charlie, with all my heart."

* * *

But why did you have to go Adam? Why did you leave me? You broke my heart the day you walked, tall and graceful, from our room and my life forever. Oh there were rumours, so many of them, but I've never believed them. How could I? You told me only to trust myself and so I did. My heart told me you would never do the things they accused you of. After all, how could you have got a girl pregnant? You were mine and I was yours…you weren't into girls…we were blissfully happy…it just wasn't possible. But it was painful, listening to them accusing you and calling you names, speculating all the time and knowing that I couldn't stick up for you. I couldn't tell them it wasn't true, because it would mean revealing our relationship…a partnership so sacred it could only be held between the two of us…one that you would never break for anyone, especially not a girl. But then where did the rumours come from?

Do you see what you've subjected me to? Endless pain and questions, constantly following each other round and round until I feel dizzy and sick and completely alone. For two whole years I've been alone, two whole years I've been separated from you, my heart and soul. I still remember the day you called me those very names, it's a memory hard to banish.

* * *

"What's got into you Charlie? There was no need to shout at Luis like that, he only made a harmless joke…do you want everyone to find out about us? You know how they reacted to Tom and Aidan, they'll be even less forgiving towards us-"

"I know, I know…I'm sorry Adam, I just got scared."

"Scared?"

"I thought…I thought he was serious. I thought I'd lost you."

"Lost me? To someone else? Why would you think that?"

"I…"

"Charlie, you know I love you and would never leave you…you're all I have. I can't give that up."

"Really?"

"Really and truly. I'd die without you…you're my heart and soul…my very being and my reason for living…"

* * *

But you did give me up Adam, you did leave me. What happened? Don't you need you're heart or soul anymore? Or are you a hopeless half-person like me? Or have you found someone else? Have you moved on?

But no, you said that would never happen. I'm the only one for you, that's what you told me. And I believe you…or I did. What's changed Adam?

* * *

"…You've changed Charlie."

"I haven't, I'm still the same Charlie I've always been."

"No, you're not. You're jealous and possessive. The Charlie I fell in love with was sweet and kind, loving and gentle. You're a monster."

"…What?"

"You heard me! You're not the same anymore. I don't know when or even what happened…but I don't like it."

"We've all got to change Adam. It's inevitable."

"Maybe, but you've changed for the worse."

"Well maybe you drove me to it!"

"_I _drove you to it? _I_ forced you to change? If that's what you think, you need to sit down and take a careful look inside yourself."

"I don't need to do anything of the sort! If I'm jealous and possessive, it's your fault!"

"My fault?"

"Yes! If you didn't keep messing around with other people I'd be able to trust you! Instead I have to watch you every moment, keep an eye on you to make sure you stay faithful…"

"You don't really believe that. Take a look Charlie, go on. You know the truth; it's in there, waiting for you. Until you can accept it, there's nothing more for me to say."

* * *

Yes, you were right. I was lying to myself. I had changed, and it wasn't your fault. I was scared of drifting away from you. It wasn't that I couldn't trust you, I couldn't trust the people around you. You were so bright, so lovely; it was hard not to notice the admiring glances, the speculative looks. I didn't want you to go…maybe the rumours were true. Did I drive you to such lengths? Did my jealousy overcome everything else and force you into the arms of someone else…the arms of a girl? Was it me all along? Did I cause all this? Is it my fault I'm crying myself to sleep still, after two years without you? Was it me that caused you to shame yourself, your family, and drag an innocent girl into it too? Was it me that ruined so many lives?

All this time I wondered what had made you leave. I think now I know…

It was me.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye Adam.

* * *

"Good evening Minneapolis and welcome to the six o'clock news. We've reports from around the country of the upcoming elections, with many people saying that it'll be an outright victory for President Bush, but others insist that Senator Kerry will sneak up from behind and take over the position in the White House. There are also stories from New York and Washington on the recent activist battles between pro-war and anti-war campaigners.

"But first, the local items. The headlines today have all been taken over by the teenage boy who died in his dorm room at Eden Hall Academy after slitting his wrists in a suicide bid yesterday morning. The police are still looking into the matter, questioning family and friends about his private life and what may have caused this unfortunate event. The boy's mother and stepfather are both shocked and stunned, saying he was happy and content and there was no reason for this to happen. Similarly, his hockey coach, Ted Orion, states that he was a rising star with more talent than he'd seen in a long time. He said 'He was good at what he did, and enjoyed hockey and his life outside it to the full.' Investigations are ongoing. The only clue to help the police is a short suicide note saying 'It was my fault Adam'. Friends say the note refers to their former friend and hockey team mate Adam Banks who mysteriously left them two years ago, but have no idea what it means. We'll have updates on that story as soon as they come.

"Now, in St. Paul there's been a strange number of phenomena, state residents, who have recently witnessed no less than…


End file.
